Would Not Come

ALANIS MORISSETTE

"Would Not Come"

This is one of my favorite songs. This long ass post will illustrate why.

if I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to





A while ago my hand was itching, itching, itching. I think it was an allergic reaction to a puzzle my aunt and I were putting together. But, part of me thought that maybe - according to the old superstition - it was also an indication that soon I'd be bringing in the big bucks. This weekend my aunt went to Casino Kashata in Louisiana. I gave her five dollars to play on the dollar machine. I guess that with the last dollar she won back my whole five. I'm worried about money.

if I am hardened no fear of further abandonment

I couldn't even do this if I tried. "So then I thought I'd make some plans. But fire thought she'd really rather be water instead." I'd ALWAYS rather be water. I wish I could put on my game face and fake it. I just don't have it in me. It's real or nothing for me.This past weekend it turned out that "real" meant forgiveness. I do have fears of abandonment. I take rejection so hard. And this weekend I saw a film on the subject of forgiveness called "The Heart of Texas." I'm going to try and be brave and with God's help, forgive my father. And this is the first time for me that "forgiveness" isn't some philosophical state of mind, it's something to be lived even before it's felt.

if I am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin


I'm trying to gather women role models. Parents do the best that they can or not, then it's up to us to take up where they left off. I don't remember where I read about role models but... I need strong women role models. Alex Kingston is swiftly becoming a role model for me, and ironically, it's not because she's so strong. It's because she is so candid about her "weakness." I characterize it as weakness but I think that she just sees it as human truth. I think she's a Pisces as I am and she's said some wonderful things that I laugh at, and see myself in and draw strength from. One thing she said in an interview is that she's horrible with rejection. The interviewer noted that it was a strange admission since along with the acting business there is so much rejection. But she said something like, "Ah but that's good because it affirms your deeply held belief that there's something wrong with you." She says it so matter of factly! I've been wearing that around my neck like a yoke of shame! Hilarious. I've been feeling like it's impossible for me to be a success because of my insecurities. AK is totally unashamed. I adore her. And that brings me to the quote. I do think I'm searching for validation through acting. I've always been ashamed of this fact but... I think, that is part of it. I might as well face it and try to laugh at it and stop holding onto it as this deep dark secret and source of shame. But deep down I know that I need to anchor myself in something greater than fame. I know that it will not come from fame.

if I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect
My vocabulary.

i would throw a party still it would not come
I suck at this. There's this whole world of teenaged joy that I missed out on. I feel a lot of insecurity about this. All my age milestones went by and I was fine. Maybe I did feel a little sad when 23 came and went with nothing special... or was that the year they threw me a party? But 30. I knew I wouldn't be immune to 30 without a special party. Yay mother and Amelia!

i would bike run swim and still it would not come
Exercise.  I'm allergic to it. I do think my quality of life and moods would be better with more exercise and a better diet.


i'd go travelling and still it would not come
I want this. Especially now that I've been to New York I really want to go to all the magical places I've always heard about and see the REALITY. I think reality is better than fantasy. Surprise! I am surprised by that. Hee!

I would starve myself and still it would not come
Never. This is not really my thing. But I think I am love starved. I think I starve myself socially, romantically, sexually out of fear.


if I'm masculine I will be taken more seriously
This is another one of those things like being hard that I would have loved to try! But I just can't manage it. "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way."

if I take a break it would make me irresponsible
This is not my issue either. I NEED a work ethic. I NEED to learn what commitment really is. I need to live that. I feel sometimes that my whole life has been a series of breaks interrupted by work.


if i'm elusive I will surely be sought after often
Or cryptic. I've tried this. I still try it I think. I'll be WEIRD and see what happens. See if that will make me intriguing somehow.

if I need assistance then I must be incapable
Again this is an area where on one hand I need too much assistance and I think I'm taking advantage, but then on the other hand I think I don't really let people into the core of my need. I only let people help me with the surface needs. Dear Lord, please give me the strength and the love to be able to let people in to the core of my need. In Jesus' name.

i'd be filthy rich and still it would not come
Deep down I know this. Sometimes I feel this material desire pulling at me. But I know that it would leave me empty. I've got to have my roots in something greater.

I would seduce them and still it would not come
Oh this is a huge fear area for me. Oh man I don't know if I want to unpack this here. I don't really know how to interact with men. That's ok I guess. I've got to give myself room to grow. I'm so fearful. Partly is because of my father and part of it is just my lack of socialization with men. Lord help me.


I would drink vodka and still it would not come
No. Tequila.

i'd have an orgasm still it wouldn't come
Yes this. This weekend. This.


if I accumulate knowledge I'll be impenetrable
You know, I'm not unique in any of this. I'm not alone. I'm not a freak. This is a hole that I could never fall into, but it's one that I judge myself about. I can't ever be one of those logical knowledgy people but I believe that form of existence is on a higher plane. It's not. Lord break down this strong hold, in Jesus' name.

if I am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve
Hmm. This is interesting. I feel like I've encountered other people using this tactic against me more than I've... actually used this one. It's hurtful. It's better to argue things out. I've heard Kristen say this and I believe it but I have yet to live the belief.


if I keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked
Yes! This is such a mistake! You can't accommodate everyone. 

if I am vulnerable I will be trampled upon
YES! I can't NOT be vulnerable but I believe this, and what's worse - I think it's my fault for being vulnerable in the first place. The trampling is NOT my fault.

i would go shopping and still it would not come
If I had more money I would try and escape this way more often. As it is, I have no money BECAUSE this is true so often.

i'd leave the country and still it would not come
I can't run away from all this. It will follow me everywhere and into the grave. That's the truth that has led me back to church and towards commitment in this area.

i would scream and rebel still it would not come
Here is where I am now. This is a great reminder. I'm ready to rebel. I guess I'm rebelling against the status quo, my status quo and against the enemy more than anything. I think my flesh, my mind ... they've been tools of the enemy for so long. I feel that in a lot of ways the enemy has had me under his thumb. I'm ready to live my faith rather than avoid my fears. 

i would stuff my face and still it would not come
THIS. I do this.

i'd be productive and still it would not come
i'd be celebrated still it would not come
i'd be the hero and still it would not come
I love this. I love how the good stuff can't even chase the demons away. It's true.


i'd renunciate and still it would not come 
Well for me, it's not renunciation in and of itself. It's renunciation in order to be accepted, validated, loved by the group. It's renunciation in order to belong. I don't think that's the right reason to renunciate. If I ever renunciate anything in my life, I want it to be for truth and love with source.

I'm such a hippy dippy Oprah freak now. But it's true.