Whine and Self Pity... No Good Cheese

It's Sunday again and I'm spending it like a hermit. The late church service that I would actually like to attend starts in thirty minutes. I watched the Rockets lose like champions. Adrienne Kipp was right. They couldn't do it without Yao and maybe without Tracy McGrady. There was an African guy looking on. He may have been a star player also. Disappointing but... I'm hardly a faithful basketball fan.

I got dressed a few minutes ago. I'll be generous and say it was 4:30 pm. I don't know why I'm lagging. "I don't know" is unacceptable, Kristen would say. Ok. Let's tackle this. I'm a smart girl. I can figure this out. A little voice nags that I can't figure it out. I need God to help me. Well God, you're invited to this brainstorm. Pipe in if you have input please God.

Alright. I'm afraid of failure. So I've buried myself in non-threatening situations. The problem is that at the same time, I have no challenges and so I'm stagnant. Physically, spiritually, emotionally I'm stagnant. That's the problem.

So what to do?

Long ago when I was taking a class at First Baptist Church the councilor challenged me to do something I was afraid to do and see what happens. If I failed completely it would be ok. I'm going to challenge myself this week to do something wild and crazy and dangerous and see if I'm still standing. It's ok to fail.

*nods*

Yesterday was the last day of Rigoletto. I'll miss all the people involved and all the wonderful music. Callina invited me over and we talked and talked. I talked to myself afterward and realized that I avoid truely opening up to people by talking about television etc. We talked late into the night and I think spiritually I was crying out for help. I was crying out about my lonliness. I was so glad to be in someone's company.

Earlier that night I met Shelley's beau... I can't remember his name. He was really nice. Handsom but not too handsome. He seemed healthy and happy. He was enjoying Opera! He made a few easy jokes. It was wonderful. I'm happy for her... if only he weren't Muslim. I guess there are worse things than marrying someone who is Muslim.

Anyways... I walked in the woods and thought of fairy tales and Chloe Sullivan. I walked on the railroad tracks and talked to Callina on the phone. I walked around the hill and felt the quiet of the night and the eerie magic of the artificial lights.

I got home late and went online. I spewed a little tongue and cheek humor and a little sad bitterness.

I watched some of "The Hobbit" and ate chips and fell asleep.

This morning I just couldn't get up. I didn't really fantasize about anything. I was just so... I can sleep. I think - as Helena Bonham Carter said in an interview once - sleeping is one of my talents. I think I have a talent for sleeping. When I watch a cat luxurating in sleep... there's nothing better. I'm envious. Well that's how I felt this morning... like a cat.

The family gathering passed me by. I could vaguely hear arguing about abortion, laughter, conversations about food. Debbie chatted me up as a lazed. She's decovered the glorious blessing of fruit. LOL! Mmmm. Sounded wonderful. She was so vibrant and full of energy. She's the globe trotter of the family.

Well... I'm sick of blogging for the moment... I could keep going but it would just become more and more self indulgent.

Something risky and scary and it's ok to fail.